De-escalation: The Language to Say It
In this section you will find some ideas for language and approaches that you may already be using or could add to your practice to de-escalate incidents of aggression and to prevent violent outbursts/actions.
First and foremost, as employees of a school board, it is imperative for all of us to be familiar with, and to adhere to, school and board policies, protocols and procedures regarding student behaviour and student-teacher interactions.
Beyond this, the knowledge we have about our students’ identities and backgrounds and the quality of our relationship with our students will, of course, inform the language we use and the approach we take to pre-empt and de-escalate violence. When a student’s background is not known to us, the approach we take will be informed and guided solely by the code of conduct and protocols set out by the school administrator. When a student’s background is known (e.g., they have a special education identification or we are aware that they come from an environment where they have experienced violence), then a safety plan detailing a response should additionally be in place.
The above notwithstanding, we have attempted to the extent possible to provide in the following paragraphs some approaches that can be applied to all students (whether you work with them closely or not) and can be used to support all those involved—those experiencing or witnessing harm, and those causing it.
Students need clear limits. That said, teachers can consider whether a student’s aggressive behaviours may be a way of communicating, a reaction to injustice they have experienced or could be a part of their learning or mental health needs. Just as vital as intervention strategies is the follow-up to repair or re-establish positive relations with those involved, as well as possible awareness raising, exploration and/or discussion with the whole class.
Validate emotions
“It sounds like you are feeling <frustrated, angry, disappointed...>”
“Your feelings and what you’ve been through are important.”
Create emotional safety
“I am here to listen without blaming or shaming. Would you like to talk about what happened?”
“It takes a lot of courage to share what you experienced. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
“I know it can be <stressful ... challenging> to ... <change schools, come from another province/territory ... immigrate/flee from another country>”
Reduce self-blame and blaming others
“It is not your fault that the adults decided to separate. That decision does not mean your parents don’t love you.”
“It is not your fault that you had to experience war and be a witness to cruelty. I hope you can find safety here without blaming or hurting others. I’m here to support you.”
“Adult decisions are made by adults, sometimes to keep people safe.”
Support accountability and reflection without shame
“You are not responsible for your parents’ decisions or anyone else’s choices.”
“You ARE responsible for your own actions. Even when you feel angry or frustrated, you do not have the right to hurt others.”
“You are not responsible for what happened in your country. Here, you have the right to be safe and your voice matters. We don’t meet violence with violence; there are other ways you can respond to violence. It is important to use words or express your emotions without hitting or yelling at anyone.”
“We can discuss strategies for you and others to be safe.”
Teach safe coping strategies
“You have choices when you feel overwhelmed/angry/upset. You can express your emotions (e.g., anger) safely by talking to someone you trust, writing or journaling, going for a walk, exercising until you feel calmer, listening to music, or explaining how you felt when the situation happened.”
“Your body has the right to be safe. Nobody should touch you without asking permission to do so. We call it consent. You also have the responsibility to ask others if they want to be touched. Without asking, you will be responsible for others not feeling safe, and there are consequences if you don’t respect others’ rights.”
Provide choices while creating and reinforcing boundaries
Clearly, and using non-emotive language, give the student a choice of behaviour with clear consequences.
“You can return to your seat so that we can finish our work and go to recess; if you choose not to return to your seat, you will need to leave the classroom.”
Make sure that you allow time for students to process the information, consider their choices and to respond.
“Take a minute to consider what you would like to do and then let me know.”
Give the student space by reducing interactions between the student and the rest of the class.
“Where would you like to take some alone time in the classroom? You can spend some time drawing, sitting, writing or working on something else for now.”
If it appears likely that verbal de-escalation may be unsuccessful, make sure that the rest of the class has a clear exit route.
Collaborate rather than control (de-escalation)
“Let’s make an agreement together to work on your behaviour and check in regularly to see what support you need.”
“Can we pause for a moment and then think together about how to solve this?”
Remember that for all the students exhibiting inappropriate behaviour due to mental health struggles, learning challenges, difficult emotions or lack of skills, there are also many others who are struggling in silence. There may be students who are experiencing depression or anxiety without causing “problems” or disruptions, and who are trying to be invisible.